Recently I’ve been really looking into who I am. This may sound strange at first so let me explain.
We are generally seen as our roles or places in society. How often do we meet someone new and the initial question is always ‘what do you do?’ How often do we respond with our current (not necessarily chosen) job role or profession and not say what we actually do? When I ask myself what I do and I don’t respond with ‘Yoga teacher and Ayurvedic massage therapist’ the answer is quite different. People generally only see what we want them to and they only see our ‘public’ face, not the real us. We can feel afraid of showing up as we really are, afraid of being judged and thought to be crazy.
I love to daydream, to imagine, to feel inspired. To write and read, to walk amongst trees and barefoot on the earth. To swim naked and then to lie under the blazing summer sun and to be at one with the elements all around and within me. To feel vibrantly alive and in love with life. How easy is it to maintain this in todays society and in life on a day to day basis? And if we don’t maintain it where do we go? Have we become lost? How can we nurture and treasure that connection with our sense of our wild and true self? How we keep the feral free heart within us alive?
In my ‘former’ life i was an NHS worker, loyal partner, with a stable home environment, a ginger cat and a part time Yoga business. I was known as happy go lucky and always exceptionally cheerful and bright in my demeanour. Was this the real me? And if not how could I rediscover myself?
Following a massive unexpected life change (and a huge jolting shock is often what it takes), I lost my partner, home, and cat and then chose at this time to give away a lot of my material possessions. I became nomadic (and still am) in my living and sleeping arrangements, staying with friends for periods of time and moving from place to place with Yoga and Ayurveda work along the way. I continued to give away more and more material possessions the more I moved to reduce the amount I had to carry, but also as I realised that these ‘things’ were not who I was. I currently have 4 boxes of kitchen equipment, 6 boxes of books and 4 boxes of clothes.
I have had some emotional turmoil to deal with, and I am still working through this. As I slowly and methodically peel away all of the layers that gave me my previous identity, shed the familiarity of a material home, in exchange for a home wherever I am (and friends are so amazing in their hospitality) I choose now to live in this way. I choose to drift, to be as unattached as I can to the stuff of life, to be truly laid bare in terms of who I am. Its not always easy, but i know its the right thing for me right now.I have to work on feeling grounded and to keep my focus, plans can be tentative but then fate shows me the way every time.
Its all about trust. Trust and a calm confidence in who you really truly are, trust in the universe to show you the way. Trust in your inner voice and be aware of the chattering of the mind that may try to persuade you to conform or to adopt that which you don’t need. Trust in raising your awareness of your own true nature and sense of self, of being true to who and what you really are.
It’s not for everyone, this non conformist roaming nomadic life, and it may or may not be for me for ever. But it is the right thing for me at this time in my life. Listing to the inner wisdom of the heart, going wherever I feel instinctively is the right place at the right time, with people who I know love and care for me (and those who I feel don’t I now avoid).
I may appear to be drifting but I know the way. I may appear to be lost but I am never afraid. I wholeheartedly know who am and I know my destination is out there waiting, albeit ever changing. Return to self Remembering who I am a sense of self Who am I? Beneath the public image The old roles of steadfast partner Business woman Spiritual practitioner Community pillar
It takes a while Perhaps forever Many lifetimes To discover oneself It requires silence Solitude Introspection Kindness and gentle curiosity No judgement We must be fearless And brave With an ever open listening heart We must be ready and willing To respond to the inner voice Of the true self Of absolute freedom
I look at myself Not the physical Not the flesh and bones I look beneath the surface Who am I?
I recall a real love Not of the human kind A wild passionate untamed force Does this still reside within me? Let me reconnect with my own true love A love of wild open spaces The ocean, trees, wild moors Of solitude Silence Freedom in its truest sense Poetry and painting Witnessing the growth of nature Travelling to new places Unknown spaces Adventurous and exploratory Twilight and the ambrosial hours Dawn awakening And contemplation Reading books Drinking in knowledge and inspiration Talking for hours with real friends by firelight Listening to sounds of nature And music To stir the soul A feral existence Dancing like a wild thing Laughing until my belly aches delicious with happiness and pure delight Nighttime under the clear starry sky Daytime in the warm sunshine Wandering at will Throughout life I feel excited I feel the essence of life running through my being Once more I am sweetly surrendering
Now is the time I remember who I am Welcoming myself home After years in the wilderness Wandering lost and lonely I have finally come back to myself Barefoot in the dirt In the embers of the fire Living from the hearts wisdom With strength of spirit Akin to goddess Kali Compassion and wisdom Yet not suffering fools Wild woman Soul sister Free to roam I am home