Life had given me experiences (extreme experiences!) that mean I have to embrace self acceptance and to speak what I feel, or risk regret, which is not an option. Its not easy to do this, but I make myself do it everyday because it now the only way I feel I can now be. Is this a gift or a curse? I really don’t know.
On 17/7/17 my partner of 17 years died. I was lying by his side as he took his last breath. It was not entirely unexpected but it was tumultuous, as was he. He was a complex person, full to the brim of life, love, laughter, so many thoughts and words, and yet always with a darkness and haunted sadness behind his blue eyes.
This is my most favourite and often thought of quote from the Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali.
“Undisturbed calmness of mind is attained by cultivating friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and indifference toward the wicked.”
My right arm and shoulder hurt. I had no idea how this had come about, it was at times very uncomfortable. Over the course of a couple of months I sought help from various sources, all holistic.
You’re always so lucky’….thats what people often say to me. Am I? How do you know? What is luck? And what is our lifes purpose or destiny? How often do we connect with our real life purpose and how often does it pass us by?
Many years ago we had a coffee pot, a simple stovetop screw together affair that worked very well and made the best and most delicious coffee. The Dukkha (unsatisfactoriness with how things are) crept in.
Its all about perspective. Optimist I am, I am also human. I do have days where I don’t feel so great, but most of the time I know what I need to do to feel ‘better’. Isn’t that the case with most of us? We know what we need to do to feel good, but we feel almost guilty for doing it.
At the end of June this year I left the NHS. I had worked there since the age of 18, (I am now 46) when I started my general nurse training. I never subscribed to the pension, I didn’t intend staying…I stayed for longer than I intended but l did leave for a few years here and there in several futile attempts to find an alternative.